Not Another YuGiOh Fanfiction!
by pandoraz-box
Summary: REVISED. Sick of repeated cliches? Read the same plot line over and over? Realised a lot of fanfiction has no rational reasoning behind it? Then come read the story that makes fun of it all!
1. Chapter One

Yuri: Please note this is parody fan fiction. As in a fictitious parody of works of fan fiction I have encountered over the years. It has never been my intention to hurt or offend any author, so please don't take offence… even if you're not even faintly amused about some of the things I've parodied or said.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!

* * *

**Chapter One**

From the rising sun, to the picturesque sky, it looked to be a beautiful morning in the city of Domino. The morning rays of sunshine poured in through the window, hitting the bed where Yugi Mouto hadn't slept since the winter of '07.

Fake IDs and booze kicked ass…

Out cold on the living room floor, with no absolutely recollection of the events of the night before… or last the three days for that matter, Yugi slowly regained consciousness.

"Huh?" He mumbled groggily. Rolling over, he reached behind himself to pull his cat out from under him.

"REOW!" The cat hissed as it was carelessly chucked out the open window. "How are you feeling?"

Rolling back over, Yugi lazily cracked an eye open at his darker half.

"Tired….and my groin hurts," he mumbled. Sitting up, he watched as Yami suddenly became nervous, eyes darting back and forth.

"Err....um...whatever could that be?" He asked, still making the shifty eyes.

Yugi just shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I just got raped again?" His stomach gave out a loud grumble and he looked up to Yami with tired eyes. "What's for breakfast?"

"You're asking me!?" Yami exclaimed. "I can't make breakfast. I'm sexually challenged remembered!"

"Technology, Yami," Yugi corrected him. "Technology challenged." Once again Yami made the shifty eyes.

"Yes....that's what I meant." Yami stopped making shifty eyes and gave Yugi a concerned look. "You really shouldn't drink so much Yugi. Next time I might not get so lucky."

After that Yami walked off leaving Yugi confused.

"Don't you mean 'I', as in 'myself', might not so get so lucky?"

No reply.

* * *

Skipping ahead to Domino High, (because let's face it, nothing exciting can possibly happen during a five minute walk through a populated area to get to school. No rapes, no kidnappings, no drive-by shootings, no spontaneous confessions of love and, of course, no ritualistic killings of small animals and then licking their bones clean.)

Anyway, skipping ahead to Domino High, we find our heroes-

"Woah, back up there!" Jou suddenly interrupted. "Since when are we heroes?"

Since you duelled against the forces of evil and saved the world multiple times.

"Point taken," Jou replied thoughtfully. "However, technically speaking, only Yugi and Yami are heroes. I mean, they stood up and saved the world. The rest of us just said crappy one-liners and lost a lot. Plus Anzu didn't do shit and Bakura, Kaiba, Malik and Marik are all guilty of attempted homicide on at least one occasion-"

Well…I guess.

"Also, why in the hell did we have to duel them?" Jou continued. "I mean, did it ever occur to anyone to maybe pull out a shotgun and simply shoot the bad guys? Or, at the very least, get the police or national guard involved? Leaving the fate of the world to a children's card game is pretty irresponsi-"

SILENCE!

"..."

Much better. Now, like I was saying...Domino High, kids, potential murderers and so on.

"Hey, Ryou!" Honda called, waving him over as Ryou entered the classroom. Peering over his friend's shoulder, Honda noticed someone was missing. "Where's Bakura today?"

"Bakura?" Ryou repeated, sounding shocked and offended. "The fucker thought he'd abuse me to make himself feel better about his own pathetic existence, and being sexually confused. However, instead of taking it, crying, hiding it from all my friends, and then ultimately falling in love with my abuser for no apparent reason, in some sick Stockholm syndrome fantasy, I did the smart thing. I called the cops. The douche bag is prison, probably having butt sex as speak," Ryou finished, back to his usual cheerful self.

"Good work," Honda said offhandedly.

* * *

"AH! HELP ME!" Bakura screamed, somewhere very faraway.

"You got a real purdy mouth."

* * *

As the teacher entered the classroom, everyone took their seats.

Jou looked around and noticed Seto Kaiba was missing.

"Holy shit! Kaiba is missing, and he's always missing from school, seeing as he runs a multibillion dollar cooperation. Something is seriously wrong, and only I, with my nonexistent resources, can figure out what."

Yugi looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "WTF?!"

"Silence! Silence in my classroom." The teacher snapped, cracking her whip. She probably should of had German subtitles or something. "We have a new student! Her name is: The-Really-Hot-and-Sassy-New-Chick-With-a-Secret-Past-Whom-Everyone-Immediately Likes-and-All-The-Guys-Fall-In-Love-With!"

All: O.o

"Or…Mary Sue, if you prefer!"

Sliding the door open, a young girl stepped into the classroom. Upon looking at her, everyone gaped.

….in horror.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Yami screamed, falling off his seat and trying to gouge his eyes out.

The girl had frizzy hair that was at least five different colours, thick, oversized glasses that covered half her face, blotchy skin, and huge juju lips. Then there was the morbidly obese thing.

The desk and chair never stood a chance really.

Clearing her throat, the teacher cracked her whip once more and class began. "Right, so you fuckwits have an exam today. Any questions?"

A random student stuck up his hand.

"What's an exam?" He asked.

"Die!" The teacher shouted, banishing the random student to the shadow realm.

Frightened into silence once more, every student focused their attention on the teacher as she began writing notes on the board.

Sometime later, they were interrupted by a knock on the door. A policewoman stepped in, dragging Seto Kaiba behind her.

"Found this one wondering the streets," she explained, throwing a rather disorientated CEO forward.

"Mr Kaiba," the teacher snapped. "No doubt you found school beneath yourself and decided to skip it, as you are far superior with 200 point IQ, billions of dollars, and underfloor heating in every room."

Raising eyebrow, the policewoman looked between Seto and the teacher that vaguely reminded her of Hitler. That whip couldn't be legal…

"Erm, actually…he's just stoned. That's why I found him wandering the streets.

At that particular moment, Seto fell to the floor; unconscious.

When no one moved, or even seemed to care, the policewoman stepped forward once more. "Shouldn't we take him to a hospital or something?"

Everyone, including the teacher, just shrugged. Defeated, the policewoman left.

"Right, everyone. You have ten minutes until the end of class, so you can do what you want. Oh, by the way, Yugi, I'd like to see you please."

"Shit!" Yugi hissed.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Standing before the teacher, Yugi watched as she waved a piece of paper in front of him.

"Right, since you've been intoxicated for the last three days, you haven't completed your ENTRY EXAM. You can complete your ENTRY EXAM now. Please complete your ENTRY EXAM."

Yugi nodded slowly.

"Right...so what am I doing again?"

"THE ENTRY EXAM!" The teacher screamed, shoving the test at him.

Meanwhile Anzu was shyly approaching Yami with a pink piece of paper.

"Here you go Yami...I wrote another poem," she said quietly. Yami accepted the piece of paper and read it carefully.

_Anzu + Yami = Hot, wild, super kinky sex. Anytime, anywhere. _

"This is very good, Anzu," said Yami, completely missing the subtle hint that wasn't subtle…or even a hint for that matter.

"Thanks. It won first place in the school poetry contest."

Meanwhile, Yugi struggled with his exam.

_Question one. Spell purple._

Grumbling, he racked his alcohol abused brain, and single remaining brain cell for some answers.

_PURRPAL_

"I DID IT!" Yugi shouted triumphantly.

On the other side of the classroom, Honda walked over to the unconscious Kaiba and poked him with a ruler repeatedly.

"AH! RAPE!" Seto shouted, scrambling to his senses.

"Not quite. So where the hell have you been lately?" Honda asked.

"Well, I went to this party...and got really wasted. After that, I think I went to sleep..."

"Dude! Aren't you supposed to be running a multi-billion dollar company!?" Honda exclaimed.

"Oh, God no! Mokuba does all the work. He says it's better this way. I'd just run it into the ground."

"I'm with you there."

* * *

"Finally!" Yugi said exasperatedly, the gang having assembled in the cafeteria for lunch. Pulling a bottle of bourbon out of his lunch box, Yugi proceeded to go to town on it. "Phew! For a few brief moments there, I think I may actually have been sober."

"Hey, Kaiba?" Jou called across the table. "How come you're sitting with us? We don't like you, remember?"

"Would you be with my friend if I opened up about my terrifying past, making you all feel sorry for me?" Kaiba asked, forcing Jou to stop and actually think.

'God, I kick ass,' he thought.

"Jou! You're supposed to be considering Kaiba's question!" Ryou snapped.

"Right...okay. You can give us all head!" Jou replied.

"…I'm going to ignore that and give you all my boring life story instead."

Thirty Minutes Later.

"-and that's about it," Kaiba finished, everyone around him gaping in horror.

"Kaiba," Ryou eventually spoke up. "You didn't actually tell us anything relevant about your life. You just talked about how big your penis was, and about the freaky sex you had with a hooker last weekend."

"Yeaaahh," Kaiba trailed off, falling into a daydream about said weekend.

Meanwhile, Anzu was giving Yami a lap dance while chanting the words 'I love you Yami'. She finally stopped and whispered it one last time. As usual, Yami remained oblivious.

You know, for a supposed sex God, he could really be retarded at times.

"That's nice Anzu," he mumbled, grabbing a nearby sandwich. Grumbling, Anzu climbed off Yami and proceeded to sulk.

"Wazzup, my homies!!" Mary Sue shouted walking over to the gang.

They just all stared at her.

"What? Aren't I one of the gang?"

"Hell no! Fuck off!" Yugi slurred, making Mary Sue run off crying.

After lunch all the Ryou, Yugi and Joey ran to their next class, which happened to be maths. Standing outside the door, muffled laughing could be heard inside.

"HAHA! This is fucking hilarious! It's just so funny!"

"Wow," Ryou murmured as the roaring laughter continued. "The teacher must be reading one hell of a book."

"He isn't reading a book," Jou corrected him. "He's marking our exams."

"HAHA! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" The teacher cried. "These exams are so fucking funny!"

"…creepy," Ryou muttered.

When the trio finally stepped inside, the teacher stopped and looked at them as they stood in the doorway.

"I told you to be here at 1:00pm. It's 12:59pm!"

"Sorry," Joey muttered. Suddenly, the teacher ripped open the shadow realm and tried to banish them.

"AHHHH!" Screaming, the trio ran back into the hall to wait for the rest of the class.

"Right," the teacher announced as the class began. "Who can tell me the atomic number of uranium?"

"…"

"Um...isn't this maths?" Asked a random student.

"YOU DARE ARGUE WITH ME!" He yelled sending the random student to the shadow realm.

"HOLY SHIT!" Yugi shouted, diving under his desk.

"Well this sucks now doesn't it?" Ryou grumbled, also hiding under his desk. "Because later on, I'm going to start walking home. On the way home it will start raining heavily, even though the weather report said it'd be sunny all week. I will look for shelter and bump into some really big, perverted men who will try to rape me, but I will be heroically saved by the person I'm fated to fall in love with."

Joey just stared at him, blinking rapidly.

"How do you know all this?" He asked.

* * *

Yuri: And that's chapter one done. Everyone is more than welcome to give me ideas about what they'd like to see parodied. I'd appreciate any and all ideas.


	2. Chapter Two

Yuri: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and especially to all those who pitched their ideas. Hopefully, they'll inspire me to stop procrastinating and write more.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Two**

Running through the sudden downpour of rain, Jou tried desperately to escape it and get home to his apartment. Along the way, he encountered a conveniently placed sign pointing into a dark alley.

_Shortcut to your apartment._

"This must be a shortcut," Jou concluded. "Why would the sign lie?"

Running into the dark alley, Jou was quick to notice the shadows growing around him.

"Right, so I'm going to continue through this dark and cold alley, ignoring all the large men surrounding me about to rape my ass...God I'm smart!"

A small group of large men appeared from the shadows and surrounded Jou. All of them wore fancy pimp suits with heavy gold jewellery hanging from their necks.

"Yeah, we're here to rape you," one of them explained.

"Oh yeah-....er...I mean, oh God....no." Jou quickly corrected himself, looking around with shifty eyes. "Um, before we get busy, just one question. What's with the sudden increase in homosexual rapists? It's never been that common until now."

Looking amongst themselves, all of the men shrugged. They surrounded Jou, about to jump him, when suddenly, a black limo crashed into the wall. The door fell open and Seto Kaiba tumbled out.

"Yay! Kaiba is here to save me! He even did a heroic car crash!" Jou shouted cheerfully.

Stumbling to his feet, Kaiba looked around before quickly recomposing himself.

"Yes, I crashed on purpose. Let' s go with that." He looked back and forth between Jou and the group of men, scratching his head in confusion.

"You're supposed to save me!" Jou snapped angrily.

"Why would I do that?"

Jou's eyes suddenly glowed red. "Just do it!" He hissed, making Kaiba cower.

Inventing a bunch of martial arts poses, Kaiba stepped forward.

"Haha! You're all going down. I, Seto Kaiba, am invincible!"

0.00001 seconds later.

"Owww," Kaiba moaned, barely conscious and lying in a pool of his own blood.

"Oh, for fucks sake," Jou muttered darkly. Fortunately, Honda burst onto the scene at that exact moment.

"Wait....this isn't the wacky-backy."

Jou looked over at him and jumped for joy. Honda just stood there, confused at the sight of pimps, an unconscious Seto Kaiba, and an ecstatic Jou.

"You wouldn't be thinking about running away now, would you now?" Asked one of the men, eyeing both of the boys.

"I don't think of it as running," Jou replied, inching his way towards Honda. "Rather, attacking in the opposite direction," he finished before boosting it with his friend.

* * *

On the other side of the city, Yugi Mouto burst in the Kame Game Shop, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"OH GOD! YEAH BABY! BEST $30 I EVER SPENT!"

That sounded like Yami's voice.

"HARDER! FASTER!"

That sounded like...actually Yugi didn't have a fucking clue who that voice belonged to.

Creeping up the stairs, Yugi followed the sounds to outside Yami's bedroom. It used to be Yugi's, but they moved his bedroom into the linen closet after he became less important and more of a secondary character to Yami.

Then there was that severely reduced pay thing…

"Yami?" Yugi called, knocking on the door.

Yugi heard something like a muffled, "oh shit!" before banging and thumping echoed around inside the room. Opening the door, he saw Yami, clothed only in unbuttoned jeans, toss some random hooker out the second story window.

"Hello, Aibou," Yami greeted nervously, turning to face his smaller partner.

"Who was that?" Yugi asked innocently.

Coughing awkwardly, Yami watched as the ambulances pulled up outside and carried the unconscious woman away.

"A burglar," Yami blurted out, marvelling at his own genius. "She tried to steal my clothes, so I tossed her out the window."

Yugi, being the cute, naïve, underage little hikari he was, believed every word of bullshit out of Yami's mouth.

"You were crying," Yami observed, having noticed Yugi's red eyes.

Bursting into tears once more, Yugi tossed himself dramatically onto the bed. Unfortunately, he missed and hit the wall instead.

Yami pointed and laughed.

Relocating himself back onto the bed, Yugi waited for Yami to sit down and comfort him.

"Hold me," Yugi whimpered, sitting up. Yami nodded and proceeded to hold him. "....not there."

"Oh...sorry," Yami mumbled and relocated his hand. "So what happened?"

"Oh God, Yami, it was so awful....Anzu-!"

Suddenly, Yami cut him off all knowingly. "Let me guess. You asked that ho Anzu out because you've secretly liked her for the last two hours and she rejected you 'cause you're a retard. Then, she told you she was in love with me, 'cause I'm just so fucking hot, even though I'm a idiot and totally oblivious to her constant sexual advances. And lastly she got her lesbian ho friends to come beat you up for no apparent reason."

Yugi just stared at him with wide eyes, silent for several moments. "Actually...I was going to say she stole my stash."

"WHAT?!" Yami exclaimed, his eyes growing wide and his anger creating shadows. "That little bitch! We must kill her!"

* * *

Running around the park, armed with a twelve gauge shotgun, Yami hunted for Anzu. Yugi tagged along as usual.

"There she is!" Yami yelled, firing his shotgun several times.

Yugi just sweat dropped comically.

"Yami," he said slowly. "That was a patient from the children's hospital, here on outing."

Shrugging it off, Yami continued his hunt for Anzu.

"Yugi!" A voice suddenly squealed. Both Yami and Yugi screamed as Anzu come running towards them. "I love you!" Anzu declared before latching onto the smaller of the two.

"WTF?! Aren't you supposed to be in love with me?" Yami asked incredulously.

Anzu just snorted in distain. "Please. You are so three seconds ago."

"Shoot it!" Yugi screamed in horror, flailing his limbs about. With hesitation, Yami blew the bitch eight ways from Sunday. As she hit the grass with a dull thud, her insides fell open to reveal machinery and circuits.

"HAHA! I am a cyborg you fools. Built by Kaiba Corp." The remains of Anzu laughed maniacally before exploding before them.

"Strange girl," Yugi muttered before he heard a high-pitched squeal. Another Anzu came bounding across the park, jumping on Yugi. "Oh God. They built another one."

BANG!

Yami shot Anzu's head off once more.

"I'm back!" Yet another Anzu squealed before jumping on Yugi.

"Ugh!" Yugi yelped before being knocked to the ground.

BANG!

"HORNY BASTARDS!"

BANG!

"WOULD YOU-!"

BANG!

"PLEASE STOP-"

BANG!

"DOING THAT!"

Click....

"Oh shit! I'm out of shotgun shells," Yami muttered as Yugi was jumped and defiled once more.

Fortunately, Honda and Jou ran onto the scene, stopping dead at the sight in front of them.

"Hey, what's up?" Yami asked, while searching his pockets for a spare shotgun shell.

"Me and Honda are running away from this gang of pimps who are trying to brutally ass rape us," Jou explained.

"Awesome," said Yugi, giving them the thumbs up from under Anzu.

"I've got it!" Yami exclaimed, throwing his shotgun to the ground. Quickly searching his pockets once more, he produced a single photo. "You've impressed me with your persistence so far, Anzu. But even you can not stand the horror of this!"

Yami flashed her the photo of a naked Honda.

"OH DEAR GOD! THE HORROR! THE SHEER HORROR!" Anzu cried before blowing up.

Honda just frowned, wondering where Yami had obtained the photo from, and when exactly it was it taken.

A familiar cry made them all groan in frustration as yet another Anzu ran across the park and tackled Yugi to the ground. Once again, Yami flashed her with the photo, and once more, Anzu screamed in horror and exploded.

"Okay guys, I'm really starting to take offence now!" Honda said angrily as Yami put away the photo.

They all stood around and waited for another cyborg Anzu to appear, but she never came. Instead, a beaten and bloodied Kaiba crawled across the dirt to them.

"You dumb fucks left me to die!" He spat, pushing himself onto his feet.

"That was the general idea," Jou said casually. "So why did you build Anzu anyway?"

Kaiba just shrugged before pulling out his laptop. "Look, I added all these fancy bits and pieces to my laptop!"

"Do they make it go faster?" Yugi asked, bending over Kaiba's shoulder to have a look.

"No, it just uses 170 percent more power!" Kaiba replied before logging onto random websites. "Finally, I can get my daily dose of bizarre porn!"

Thirty minutes later…

Everyone sat around Kaiba and his laptop, eagerly awaiting the limitless hardcore nudity that was the internet.

"Dammit! It's only at 74 percent...this is far too slow," Kaiba grumbled.

"Why don't you ditch that 56k modem for broadband," Jou suggested.

Kaiba stopped to consider this proposal before rubbing his hands together evilly.

"Broadband, huh?"

"Will Jou and I get ass raped? Will Yugi ever see his stash again? Will Kaiba get broadband? Have we seen the last of Anzu? Where did Yami get his shotgun? How exactly did they get that photo? And will we ever get any porno action?" Honda asked making everyone stare at him. "Chances are half this shit won't ever be answered, but stay tuned for the next chapter anyway!"

"Who in the fuck are you talking to?" Yami asked.

* * *

Yuri: Another chapter completed. Review, flame, bitch, whine, sue, give me ideas. Everything is appreciated.


	3. Chapter Three

Yuri: Once again, thank you to all those reviewed and offered me their ideas. You've all been immensely helpful and I'm forever grateful. Unfortunately, all I can offer you in return is this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it

* * *

**Chapter Three**

"Last time our heroes were attacked by Anzu, Yugi's stash was stolen, myself and Jou were nearly ass raped and we never got any porn. So now we are joined by Ryou inside Kaiba's mansion, as he works on his latest invention."

After finishing his supposed soliloquy, Honda turned around to find everyone staring at him blankly.

"You guys aren't supposed to hear a soliloquy," said Honda.

"You're standing just metres away from us, in the same room. How could we possibly not hear you talking to yourself?" Yuri replied incredulously.

Waiting inside the Kaiba mansion for Seto to reveal his latest invention, the gang decided to invade his privacy and wander around like the nosey little fucks that they are. Stopping outside of Mokuba's room, they wondered where the younger Kaiba was.

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Mokuba for a while now," Ryou pointed out. Then, they noticed the big red note taped to the door. It was addressed to Seto Kaiba, so naturally, they read it.

_I have kidnapped Mokuba and expect a large ransom for his safe return._

"Holy shit!" Jou exclaimed, snatching the note from Ryou. "Someone has kidnapped Mokuba….again…so what's that? Like, strike number five now?"

Suddenly, Kaiba appeared and plucked the note from Jou's hand. Reading the hastily scrawled message, the elder Kaiba laughed nervously.

"Oh, I thought the mansion was a bit empty," he said quietly. Snatching back the note, Ryou made a shocking discovery.

"Kaiba," he began slowly. "This note is dated six months ago."

Kaiba just coughed awkwardly and waved the whole thing off. "Whoops. Easy mistake to make…seriously." Eager to change the subject, Kaiba pulled them all into his office.

"KAIBA-BABY!" Pegasus shouted, randomly appearing in his office.

"Err...don't you mean Kaiba-boy?" Yami corrected him.

"Um, yes...that's what I meant," Pegasus replied in-between a few fake coughs. "Anyway, I heard your brother was kidnapped."

Yami looked at Pegasus suspiciously, his eyes turning red. "How could you possibly know since we only found out two minutes ago...unless...YOU'RE PART OF THE CONSPIRACY! DIE!"

Yami launched himself at Pegasus and began beating him senseless until Honda pulled him off.

"God...you steal some people's souls and all you get is attitude from them," Pegasus muttered, straightening his suit.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Kaiba demanded.

Thankfully, Pegasus took the hint and quickly left, jumping the fence and randomly walking into the house next door.

A woman turned around and screamed upon seeing him. "Oh my God! Do you normally just walk into people's houses?" She asked in horror.

"All the time," Pegasus replied.

* * *

"So anyway," Kaiba began. "Your broadband idea, as pathetic as it was, sparked another idea within my genius mind." Kaiba pointed to a massive super computer against the wall. "I created this computer to download data at a rate 372 times faster than broadband!"

"But won't the amount of power required overload the mansion's power generator?" Yugi pointed out.

Kaiba just shrugged and turned the computer on. "Yeah, probably."

He logged on the internet and began downloading porn from random websites. However, after a few moments, the computer began to shake violently, draining all the power out of the city, thus creating a massive blackout.

* * *

Sitting in a worn armchair, Otogi sat watching his TV and getting horny, when the power suddenly went out.

Frowning, he walked over to his TV and hit it.

"WTF? Where'd the porn channel go?"

* * *

"Whoops..." Kaiba mumbled, realising the entire city of Domino was now without power.

Everyone else just stood in the darkness, stunned into absolute silence.

"Yami?" Yugi asked carefully.

"Yes, Aibou?"

"Remove your hand."

"…sorry."

Fortunately, the awkward silence was broken by the soft hooting of owls in the distance. Two of them smashed through the windows and landed on Yugi and Ryou.

Reaching up, Ryou pulled a letter from his owl and slowly opened it, pulling out an expensive looking letter.

_Dear Ryou_

_For no apparent reason, we're inviting you to join us at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is not a joke, scam or elaborate scheme set into motion because I lost a poker game to Lord Voldermort…yeah, fuck you Riddle!_

_I was one card away from the perfect hand, I swear._

_Also, while we claim to be a school, please note that no real learning will occur within our walls. No math, no science, no life skills. Absolutely nothing. But you'll learn to blow shit up, that's always fun. Plus, literacy and the ability to function in the real world is overrated anyway._

_If you're stupid enough to accept, we look forward to seeing you._

_Yours Sincerely _

_Professor Albus Dumbledore_

_p.s. you might want to bring a few hundred copies of hustler. Seriously, the action around here is like non-existent._

Looking up, Ryou raised an eyebrow before showing everybody else the letter.

"That's not what mine says," Yugu whimpered, handing everybody his copy.

_Congratulations Albus Dumbledore! You've won a dildo from us, the finest makers of anal intrusion devices._

Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore appeared and grabbed the letter from Yugi.

"Whoops, wrong letter," he muttered, eating the said letter before handing Yugi the correct one. "Anyway, I have come here to reveal the truth to you all, right from the start, instead of fucking around for six or seven books and letting everyone die for no apparent reason. Yugi…your parents…were wizards!"

Everybody in the room collectively gasped.

"Oh my God," Yugi breathed, his entire, mysterious past suddenly making sense.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. They're dead," said Dumbledore before disappearing once again.

"…"

"Are you okay, Yugi?" Jou asked sympathetically.

"I don't know. I might need someone to console me."

At this, Yami stepped forward.

"Not you!" Yugi snapped, placing his hands protectively over his privates.

As they descended into silence once more, the power suddenly came back on.

"WOAH!" Jou exclaimed, pointing to the sky outside.

They all ran to the window to see the Batman signal shining in the sky.

"You know what this means!?" Jou asked incredulously, turning to face everyone.

"…"

"God damn it!" Jou exclaimed in frustration. "Malik is about to commit suicide!"

"…"

"Who cares? We don't like that little fuck anyway," Yami pointed out, everyone nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, I lent him a twenty during Battle City, and he's never paid me back," Ryou said.

Sighing in defeat, Jou let the subject drop.

"You WILL go and save him," said a voice.

"What the hell was that?" Kaiba asked, looking around.

"Just do it!"

"WTF? Who the hell is that?" Kaiba asked, searching around the room furiously for the source.

"SILENCE!" Suddenly, some invisible force struck Kaiba down, making everyone else cower in the corner.

"Go and save Malik….NOW!"

Fearing for their lives, the rest of the gang scrambled out of Kaiba's mansion, reluctantly rushing to the aid of someone who had served their purpose, like two seasons ago.

When they got to Malik's house, Jou stepped forward to open the door.

"Leave this to me," he said, pushing with all his might against the door, yet not moving it a single inch.

"Um...Jou," Yugi said politely, but Jou just kept pushing.

"Not now!" Jou snapped. He took a few steps back and began ramming the door over and over, as the rest watched on helplessly.

"You might wanna…" Ryou offered helpfully, but was cut off by Jou.

"I said not now!" Jou rammed the door one last time, before collapsing in agony.

Ryou shook his head and stepped over Jou, pulling the door open effortlessly. He pointed up at the large sign above the door that read 'pull'.

"Err...I knew that."

"Will our heroes get there in time to stop Malik? Is he even committing suicide? How on Earth did Jou get Malik committing suicide from the Batman signal? Where the hell is Mokuba? What's Kaiba up to now? Will we ever see Anzu again? And when do we get some porno action?" Honda asked, creating a series of cliffhangers that would probably never be answered.

"Would you fucking stop that already!" Yugi snapped, making Honda cower in fear.

* * *

Yuri: And that's Chapter Three. Not too sure about the Harry Potter references as I've never really read the books. Sorry if anything is wrong. Oh, and as usual, I implore you to pitch me your ideas and tell me what you'd like to happen.


	4. Chapter Four

Yuri: Kudos to everyone who reviewed and left their ideas. Now I have all these ideas in my head, the problem is putting them into adequate words and trying to link them together into a something resembling a story. It has to make relative sense on at least some level, after all.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it

* * *

**Chapter Four**

"Last time on Not Another Yugioh Fanfiction?! Kaiba caused a city blackout, we discovered Mokuba has been kidnapped for six months, Ryou and Yugi got letters from Hogwarts, Otogi lost the porn channel and Jou somehow concluded that the Batman signal meant Malik was committing suicide!"

Upon finishing his soliloquy, Honda turn to find Yami glaring daggers at him.

"One more time. That's all I need. If you do that one more time!" He threatened, the shadow realm crackling behind him.

Then, for no apparent reason, a song began playing in background, simply because it inspired the author to get in touch with their feelings. Also, whenever they hear this song, they imagine two, maybe three, fictitious, animated characters having super freaky sex.

Inspiration kicks ass…

_I wish I was a lesbian, and not a hetero._

_I wouldn't have to deal with men and all their come and go,_

_And all their yucky yucky facial hair and all their machis'mo!_

_I wish I were a lesbian and not a hetero!_

"WTF?!" Ryou exclaimed. "That song couldn't possibly have anything less to do with what is happening right now."

Ignoring the odd song for now, the gang stepped inside Malik's house, tentatively calling out for him. The lights were off, the house supposedly deserted.

Then, Mai, who happened to be walking past, appeared in the doorway.

"Hey, guys. Breaking an entering into people's houses again, huh?" She asked, everyone nodding. "So what's ya trying to do?"

"We're trying to save Malik from committing suicide," Ryou explained. "The voice told us to."

"Makes sense," Mai replied. "How do you plan to save him?" At this, Jou stepped forward, pulling a manly pose.

"Well, I might need some motivation. Oh, look…there's a bedroom."

After hours of passionate love making…

"Right, I think I can save him," Jou said with confidence, finally re-emerging. Behind him, Mai appeared as well, clothes ruffled, and smoking a cigarette. From behind her, something like a carnival circus appeared. Clowns, acrobats and circus animals all walked out of the room and left the house.

"Weird," Honda mumbled, watching the last of the performers leave.

"Right, well, that was massive waste of time," Ryou said darkly. "You know we're lucky it takes like twenty episodes for anyone to get something done, or else Malik would probably be dead by now."

"Uh-huh," Honda replied dumbly. He had stopped listening long ago, and was now mentally undressing Mai. "So…hot."

"Err...thanks Honda," Ryou replied awkwardly.

_I wish I was a lesbian and that I wasn't straight._

_I'd sleep with women only. Man, it would be great._

_I'd throw away my diaphragm, I wouldn't want to mate._

_I wish I was a lesbian, and that I wasn't straight!_

"Am I the only one being turned on by that song?" Jou asked, making everyone stop and turn to stare at him. "Thought so."

Creeping down the hallway, Yugi motioned for Yami to step forward and kick the door in. The force was enough to wrench the door of it hinges, the room's occupants screaming as it crashed down.

Inside, several females, clad in only their underwear, stared back at the gang. Feathers floated gently through the air, having ruptured from the now motionless pillows in the their grasp.

"Holy shit," Jou breathed. "It's a sexy party." Quickly unbuttoning his pants, Jou was suddenly pushed out of the way by Ryou.

"Hi, we're looking for Malik?" He inquired, taking absolutely no notice of scantily clad girls, or the fact that they were scantily clad.

Because come on, does he look straight to you?

"Whiny little reformed bad guy trying to off himself?" One of the girls asked, garnering nods from the gang. "He's in the room next door."

Ryou thanked the girls and took off, with Yugi, Yami, Mai and Honda following. Jou, however, stayed behind.

"Yeah, you guys go on ahead. I'll stay here just in case…someone shows up. Yeah, I'll do that."

Unfortunately, Yugi returned to drag him away.

"NO!" Jou cried out in protest. "Can I at least get the website where you're hosting this?"

Kicking in the next door, the correct one this time, the gang found Malik, holding a razor blade in his hands.

"You were going to slit your wrists?" Mai asked, laughing. "Oh, please. Do something original for once. I mean seriously, when's the last time you heard about one of us OD-ing, or jumping off a sky scrapper? You could even lick a battery or provoke a wild animal. Come on, get creative people."

"Why bother? I have nothing to live for," Malik sobbed.

"He's got a point there," Yami agreed while everyone else just nodded amongst themselves.

"What about your sister?" Yugi offered helpfully.

"No. She's become a prostitute, charging twenty dollars an hour in order to feed her drug addiction. Turns out her visions were nothing more than drug induced hallucinations."

"I see," Jou said thoughtfully. "About your sister…do you think you could get me a discount?"

With a gasp, Mai pivoted and slapped Jou.

"I thought you loved me!" She cried dramatically.

"Are we even going out?"

Returning to the matter a hand, the gang quickly gathered reasons for Malik to live.

"World domination?" Ryou suggested.

"I'm still in the middle of the court proceedings for the last time I tried that."

"You could become a crazed, sexual predator," Honda suggested.

"Oh, please. You've all been raped so much it's not even considered a criminal offence anymore."

"Dude, there's a sexy webcam party going on in the next room," Jou explained.

No sooner had the words left his mouth was the razor blade dropped, Malik's laughter joining in with the chorus of giggling next door.

Seconds later, Jou's could also be heard.

_I wish I were a lesbian, I'd like to be a dyke._

_I'd sleep with K.D. Lang. Mel Gibson, take a hike!_

_I think it would be nice to love someone who was alike._

_I wish I was a lesbi-_

BANG!

"Jeez, that was getting annoying," Yami sighing, now holding a smoking shotgun that no one had noticed before.

"Wait…how did you shoot a song?" Yugi asked. Yami just shrugged.

Then, without warning, and to everyone's horror, Anzu burst into the room. Everyone screamed and cowered in corner.

"Hi, everyone!" She announced in a singsong voice.

"Fuck, they built another one," Yami hissed, realising he was out of shotgun shells once more.

"Yup. Thanks to you, Kaiba Corp is going bust!" Anzu replied

* * *

Inside Kaiba Corp, Seto Kaiba sat in his office, drawing stick men in crude, sexual positions all over his paperwork.

"Mr Kaiba!" His secretary announced, bursting into his office and handing him a folder. "The latest figures are in. We're down fifty billion."

"HOLY SHIT! STOP PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY!"

* * *

KA-BOOM!

Everyone remained cowering in the corner, in a stunned silence as Anzu exploded before them, her robotic remains scattering everywhere.

"Strange," Yugi mumbled.

"Oh, that reminds me," Mai said, reaching down her top, that was at least two sizes too small, and pulling out a neatly folded note. "Malik's darker half gave me this note to give to you guys. He challenges you, Yami, to duel."

"Fair enough," Yami replied, taking the note from her. "Only, how did Anzu exploding in fiery mass of metal and circuits, remind that you were supposed to deliver this note to me? Futhermore, why in seven hells were you even in contact with Marik anyway? I mean, that is just the most poorly thought out and constructed plot device ever. It doesn't make any sense."

"Yeah, well…shut up!" Mai snapped.

Unfolding the note, Yami began to read it, with Honda peering over his shoulder.

_The following people owe you money for prostitution services:_

_Yami, Yugi, Jou, Kaiba, Malik, Marik, Ryou, Bakura, Jou's Dad, Honda, Otogi, Pegasus, Rishid, Isis, Solomon, Bandit Keith, Anzu cyborg 3, Varon, Amelda, Mary Sue, Shizuka, Shadi, The Big Five, Weevil, Rex, Espa Roba, Mokuba, Noa, Dumbledore…_

And it just carried on like that. Eventually, Yami came to stop, staring at Mai in disbelief.

"Mai! You ho!"

Eye widening at her mistake, Mai snatched back the list and ate it before handing Yami the correct note. After reading it, Yami nodded and stepped outside, striking a dramatic pose and pointing straight ahead.

"Marik, I accept your challenge!"

Everyone stared blankly at him.

"Um…Yami. That's not Marik. That's a streetlamp," Yugi pointed out sheepishly.

"SILENCE!" Yami shouted. "DO NOT QUESTION MY METHODS!"

"So now we're off to watch Yami and Marik duel for the fate of the earth," Honda announced to nobody in particular. "Find out who wins, whether we'll see any more Anzu or sexy parties, and how Kaiba's stocks are going. Plus, whatever happened to Mokuba?"

"THAT'S IT!" Yugi screamed and launched himself at Honda.

* * *

Yuri: Chapter Four is done at last. Yay! Also, the song I used is Loudon Wainwright's I Wish I was a Lesbian. It's not mine, it's just very amusing.


	5. Chapter Five

Yuri: As always, I'm taking the time to thank all those who took the time to review and offer me their suggestions. You honestly have no idea how helpful you all are. Things are a little slow now since Yu-Gi-Oh doesn't play on TV anymore. They're now playing Yu-Gi-Oh GX which I'm not very fond of unfortunately. Oh well…

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it.

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Since Honda is in intensive care after Yugi kicked his ass, he can no longer give you shorts of what happened in the recent chapters. In fact, he can't even breathe on his own anymore.

I'm sure if he any had fan girls, they'd be devastated.

Anyway, our heroes recently saved Malik from offing himself, Jou and Mai got jiggy with it, Kaiba Corp went bust and Marik challenged Yami to a duel.

Currently searching for the whereabouts of Marik, the gang assembled in the park when Isis suddenly appeared.

"Greetings my Pharaoh."

"Hey! We agreed to keep pet names to the bedroom," Yami hissed, trying to usher everyone away.

"Hmm, gross," Malik said offhandedly, the rest of the gang agreeing with him.

With weary sigh, Isis continued anyway. "My Pharaoh, you must stop the evil that is Marik. I foresaw that all this would happen and he would try take over the world."

Ryou gasped. "Then why didn't you tell you sooner! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US!

"I'm just going to ignore that, thus avoiding an explanation as to why I didn't bother stop all this right from the start. Instead, I'm just going to let you save the world at the last possible minute."

"Good plan," Jou said.

Not long after Isis left, Marik conveniently appeared, as well as a fully functioning duelling arena…convenient.

Looking at Marik, with his freakish protruding head veins, (Seriously, he should go to a doctor about that. I mean, that's not how a normal human being is supposed look.) Yami began laughing to himself.

"Damn, I almost feel bad for not bringing my costume."

"Silence!" Marik shouted, submerging them in shadow realm as usual. Yeah, 'cause that's original. "We shall now settle the fate of the world like men!"

"You mean with arm wrestling?" Jou interrupted.

"What? No-"

"A gun fight?" Ryou suggested.

"No-"

"A contest to see who can nail the most skanks in twenty four hours?" Mai suggested.

"Damn it, no!" Marik yelled. "We're going to play Duel Monsters."

"WTF?!" Jou exclaimed. "That's not a manly way to settle things. Card games is how that pussy Kaiba settle everything."

Upon hearing his name, Kaiba suddenly appeared. For the sake of plot, let's just go with it.

"Hey!" He snapped. "Duel Monsters is manly. You don't have to be so mean about it." Kaiba sniffed, holding back tears.

Hey, just because he'd bet the life of his younger brother on children's card game a few times, didn't make him any less of man. Well, maybe just a little…

"Please, that game is more worn out than Ryou's porn collection," Jou replied.

Their argument having ceased for now, Jou and Kaiba just stared at one another for several moments, for no real apparent reason.

"Don't suppose you want to have sex?" Kaiba suggested.

"Fuck yeah!" His clothes having suddenly disappeared, Jou ran off with Kaiba to find the nearest public restroom or park bench.

"Weird," Yugi muttered.

"Alright then! Let the duel commence. And then the world shall be mine. MUAHAHAHA!"

"…"

"Um…Yami," Mai began sweetly, as if she was talking to a small child. "That was Marik's line."

"…sorry."

And with that, the duel to determine the fate of the world began.

"Yeah, quick question," said Yami, raising his hand into the air. "How exactly are you planning to take over the world anyway? And why exactly, do you need to defeat me at children's card game in order to do it?"

"Oh, I have plan, don't you worry. A plan so brilliant, that I haven't even begun to know what I'm talking about," Marik replied. "It doesn't even really matter, when you consider I'll probably be stopped by the National Guard anyway."

"Good point," said Yami, pulling out his deck. "I'll make the first move. I play Celtic Guardian, in defence mode."

"I play the Winged Guardian of Ra!" Marik announced, summoning his God-beast to the field. "Destroy his Celtic Guardian."

"WTF?!" Yami exclaimed indignantly, as his Celtic Guardian was destroyed. "You didn't offer any sacrifices. You can't do that!"

"Like fuck I can't!" Marik retorted, ending his turn.

"Oh, so it's going to be like that, is it?" Yami bit back childishly. "Very well, I summon Kuriboh. Destroy his Winged Guardian of Ra!"

"Hey! You can't do that!" Marik shouted, watching as the tiny fur ball somehow destroyed his legendary beast.

"Technically, I can," Yami replied all knowingly. "I'm the protagonist. No matter what I do, I can't lose." Dropping his pants, Yami pivoted on his stand and proceeded to moon Marik.

"You wanna play it that way. Fine!" Marik drew his card and threw it down without even looking. "I summon Pimp Master to the field."

"I summon Dark Magician's Ho to the field."

"I summon Wonder Slut to the field."

"I summon Batman to field!"

Standing on the sidelines, Ryou, Mai, Malik and Yugi all watched on in horror as strange, NC-17 monsters were summoned to field, along with a few characters from alternate worlds.

"Even I think this is crazy, and I'm British, living Japan," Ryou mumbled.

Drawing another card, Yami looked up deviously at Marik, a sly grin spreading across his face.

"At last, the heart of cards has delivered me the means to defeat you!"

As the card was thrown down, everyone watched in rapt fascination as straps, chains, belts and handcuffs rose up and bound all of Marik's monsters, rendering them useless.

"Man, those Egyptians made a card for everything," Mai said, sounding rather impressed.

"Bondage, huh?" Marik mumbled to himself, rubbing his chin thoughtfully before looking over at Malik. "Might have to borrow that card."

"Finally, I summon Dark Magician to the field, ending my turn."

Out of monsters, Marik looked around frantically, his eyes landing on a desperate last resort.

And no, it wasn't Anzu.

"I summon…Ryou, to the field!"

Suddenly, defying the laws of physics and common sense, Ryou disappeared and rematerialised on Marik's side of the field.

"Ryou, attack his Dark Magician!" Marik commanded, pointing to Yami's monster.

Looking around, only to receive blank stares from the others, Ryou just simply shrugged, and did what he was told.

"Um…attack," he mumbled awkwardly, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

"No," Marik snapped. "You've got to do better than that. Think big, flashy names, and the attack will follow."

"Okay. How 'bout… Super Knob Knocker Attack!"

"Now that's more like it!" Marik shouted as Ryou attacked the Dark Magician. However, when the Dark Magician remained, he ordered Ryou to try again…and again.

"Ow! Hey, leave me alone!" The Dark Magician yelped, "Attack her," he demanded, pointing to the Dark Magician's Ho.

With a heavy sigh, Ryou obeyed once more, and directed his attack at the Dark Magician's Ho.

"Jackass!" She cried, suddenly turning on the Dark Magician.

"Slut!"

The fight the ensued between Pimp and Ho destroyed Yami's entire side of the field, leaving him defenceless, with Marik and Ryou completely intact.

"Hm, this going to require something even stronger than the Egyptian God Cards," Yami muttered to himself. "Hey, Kaiba! Can I borrow your fan girl army?"

"No!" Kaiba shouted back, somewhere off in the distance. "Get your own!"

"Fuck…"

"Your move, Pharaoh," Marik jeered. "You had better draw something good, or the rest of your life points are mine."

"Oh, I'll draw something good," Yami replied. "Don't you worry about that. With the heart of the cards to guide me I shall-…."

Looking up from the card he had just drawn, Yami begun laughing nervously.

"Say…let's reschedule this. How's Monday for you?"

"You lose Pharaoh!" Marik shouted triumphantly, wiping out the rest of Yami's life points.

Falling from the duelling platform, Yami crumpled to ground in the foetal position and began crying.

"I lost the duel!" He cried dramatically, rocking back and forth. "Oh God, I lost the duel." Pausing briefly, Yami looked up at Yugi. "Oh, and I bet your soul on the duel…so, yeah. But that's not important. Only the shame of losing a child's card game matters. Oh God, the shame!"

Laughing maniacally, Marik turned to them. "At last! The word is min-"

BANG!

The sound of a gunshot rung through the air, Marik falling dead to ground. Above him, Solomon Mouto stood, wisps of smoke rising from his shotgun.

"Wow," Yugi gasped in awe. "He shot Marik and saved the world. That's pure genius. Why didn't we think of that?"

"Fuck, I was aiming for Yami," Solomon muttered, quickly reloading his shotgun.

"Me? What did I do?" Yami asked in disbelief.

"You lost my soul in a duel against Pegasus! Your arrogance nearly cost me my life. How could possibly think I'd forgotten about that? I was in hospital. There was an investigation. Everybody knows it was you!"

"Er…um," Yami began looking around nervously, carefully backing away from the senile old man. "A vote for Yami, is a vote for democracy!" He shouted, running away faster Honda than loses duels.

And so, once again, we are left with no porno action. Yami finally lost a duel, Seto and Jou had spontaneous sex, and Solomon saved the day, only to end up persecuting Yami.

Oh, and Honda made it out of intensive care.

…

Yay?

* * *

Yuri: And there's Chapter Five. Partly inspired by Family Guy, my all-time favourite show. Thank you to all those people who suggested parodying duels and cards. Wasn't entirely sure what direction to go with it, so hopefully this is alright.


	6. Chapter Six

Yuri: Thank you to everyone who reviewed and offered me their ideas. I dedicate this chapter to you, since Jou being abused is most overused plot device I have ever come across. I tried to parody this in early chapters, but could never do it justice so it got wiped every time. I can only hope I got right this time around.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it.

* * *

**Chapter Six**

And so, we find the gang standing outside of Jou's apartment complex, where social workers, the police, and medics had all gathered. Huddled together, the gang lamented as they learned that Jou had been abused by his father.

"Well, I don't think any of us saw this coming," Yugi said offhandedly, the rest of the gang nodding their agreement.

However, Seto Kaiba, being the only one among them whose IQ broke double digits, did not agree. With a frown, he just stared blankly at them.

"How in the fuck could you not?" He asked incredulously. "The blood, bruises and scars made it pretty obvious, along with the fact he told you on eight separate occasions that his father was beating him."

"…"

"Oh come on," Kaiba exasperated. "His father shot him last month. There was an investigation, even the FBI was involved. Surely you can't all be that retarded as to miss attempted homicide?"

"…"

When no one answered, all just fixing him with blank stares, Kaiba threw his hands up in defeat. Before anyone could say anything else, a commotion suddenly surrounded the apartment complex as the police dragged Jou's father out in handcuffs.

"HAHA! You haven't got shit on me!" He shouted, laughing like the insane prick that he supposedly was. "I burnt all the evidence and threw away the petrol can!"

BANG!

"Quick grab his legs!" A random police officer shouted, dragging the lifeless body of Jou's father into the nearby van. "It was self-defence. You didn't see nothing!" He warned, slamming the door shut, the van speeding away.

Moments later, Jou was escorted out of building by two medics and a social worker. As the media swarmed everywhere, Jou pulled himself free and ran in front of the nearest camera.

"Check it out, Mum. I'm on TV. What do you fucking think of that?!" He shouted, raising his middle finger and flipping the entire nation off before running off, laughing like a maniac.

"Right…so that's a pretty reasonable reaction," Ryou murmured.

Once Jou was finally subdued by the medics, the gang felt it safe to approach him.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Yugi asked, tears springing to his eyes.

"Because you self-righteous, little, Greenpeace wannabes, would have called Child Welfare," Jou replied.

"I'm not following you," Yugi said in confusion.

"If I don't get beaten, I don't get taken to the hospital, thus I am without morphine."

"…" Tilting his head to one side, Yugi just continued to stare at Jou blankly.

"I'm a drug addict," Jou said bluntly.

"…still not following you."

At that particular moment, a medic stepped in and placed a needle and tube into Jou's arm, hooking him up to a machine.

"Just a standard blood test, Mr Jounouchi. Now if-"

BOOM!

Suddenly, without warning, the machine exploded before them, the medic just staring at Jou in a stunned silence.

"Right…well, I'm just going ignore that, seeing as you couldn't possibly be alive with that amount of drugs in your system. Good day to you, sir."

As the medic left, a smartly dressed woman wandered over, clipboard in hand.

"Hi, I'm Social Worker #1."

"That's a stupid name," said Yugi, the others nodding their heads in agreement.

"Yes, well, I'll never be a character of any significance, so why waste time and resources giving me a name and/or background story?" Pulling out her pen, the woman turned to Jou. "Name, please?"

_Please pick an option._

_a) Jounouichi Katsuya_

_b) Joey Wheeler _

_c) Jouno_

_d) Yo Mamma_

Upon reading his options, it occurred to Jou that there was no real consensus about what to call him.

"Um…yellow?" He answered eventually.

"Okay," Social Worker #1 replied, writing 'possibly insane' in the comments box. "Can you recall when your father first began to abuse you?"

"Um…must have been after Duelist Kingdom, when I pissed away all the prize money on drugs and temporary tattoos," Jou said thoughtfully. "So, in order to feed my habit, I entered Battle City, where I was taken to a virtual world, battled legendary God-beasts, was banished to shadow realm and nearly died a couple times over."

"Sure you did," Social Worker #1 replied sarcastically, scribbling out the word 'possibly' in the comments box.

Now finished talking with the media, Seto Kaiba headed over to where Jou and gang was currently gathered. When he heard that Jou was to be placed in a foster home, he came up with a not so brilliant plan.

"How about I take him into my big, empty mansion and care for him?" He suggested. "That way he can be my bitch!" The woman actually seemed to consider his proposal for a brief moment, before she was joined by a man in a suit.

"Hi, I'm Social Worker #239," he greeted.

"What happened to Social Workers 2-238" Yami asked.

"They all got high and died," the man replied before pulling out his own clipboard. "Mr Kaiba, I'm afraid we can't allow to claim guardianship of Katsuya. The most obvious reason being that you're underage, but also, you are in no way qualified to handle a seventeen year old abuse victim that is no relation to you what-so-ever."

"That reminds me," Social Worker #1 suddenly cut in. "I haven't seen Mokuba in while. Where is he?"

Sweat-dropping comically, Seto's eyes quickly darted back and forth.

"Never you mind," he muttered darkly.

With an indifferent shrug, both social workers grabbed Jou and chucked him into the backseat of their car before driving off.

Not giving up, Seto took off after them, chasing the car and holding out one hand to Jou.

"No!" He cried out dramatically. He ran a few more steps before falling to the ground and gasping heavily, on the verge of cardiac arrest. Looking back, he realised he'd only run about five metres, Yugi and the gang all waving him.

"I really need to get in shape," he muttered to himself. "It's a wonder I'm so anorexically thin, when all I do is sit in front of a computer all day."

He walked back over to Yugi and the gang, who were all now crying for their friend.

"Whatever shall I do without my bitch?" He wondered absentmindedly. Thinking on that for a moment, Kaiba was struck by another not so brilliant idea. "I think I'll go after his sister, 'cause let's face it, she's hot!"

Yugi immediately stopped crying, looking at up at Kaiba with a confused expression.

"But what about your internal conflict? She's the love of you life, the one to melt away the ice that once surrounded your frozen heart. Yet she's also a Jounouchi, your sworn enemy," Yugi explained before grabbing Kaiba by the lapels of jacket and shaking him furiously. "The heart wrenching decision that eats away at you, what about that, huh? WHAT ABOUT THAT?!"

Blinking rapidly, Kaiba violently shoved the midget off him, straightening his jacket once more.

"What part of 'she's hot!' did you not get?" He asked before running off in search of Shizuka.

As the group just stared after him, Yami sighed wistfully.

"Ah...this reminds me of my young love back in Egypt."

* * *

Sprawled lazily across his throne, Pharaoh Yami watched with disinterest as line after line of slaves were put before him.

"Nope, not good enough," he announced without even looking at them. "Kill them as well."

"But, sir!" One the guards protested. "We're running out of places to bury the bodies. You've already filled the entire desert. Also, our city's population has dwindled to less than one hundred."

"…" Scratching his chin thoughtfully, Yami came to a swift decision. "Kill him why you're at it," he commanded, pointing to the guard.

The next line of slaves yielded one that caught his interest. He was like a younger, cuter version of Yami himself. Surely he would have been perfect to teach the cold Pharaoh how to love.

But, unfortunately, that would have been considered narcissism.

"Kill them too!"

* * *

The flashback now over, Ryou stared at Yami with wide eyes.

"WTF? That never happened!" He snapped.

"Yeah, sorry," Yami replied sheepishly.

* * *

_Under advice from our lawyers, we swear we have never seen nor heard of the teenage movie parody Not Another Teen Movie._

* * *

Yuri: A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed. It's funny, because I'll get a few reviews months after I updated, and they inspire me write and update. I should really be more considerate in future. Thanks again!


	7. Chapter Seven

Yuri: Hm, it seems I have refined procrastination into a fine art form. Anyway, my thanks to all those who reviewed. Keep the ideas coming, I'll try to use as many as I can and to the best of my ability.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

And so we find ourselves in the real world, where our favourite animated characters do not exist and never will. Accept it.

Inside a massive, lavishly decorated house (probably paid for by drug trafficking), that was suspiciously lacking in parents or any kind of adult supervision, three rabid, horny fan girls sat on the couch. With a bowl of popcorn between them, they watched old reruns of Yu-Gi-Oh, mentally undressing their favourite character and picturing themselves with them, somehow thinking that made them better fans.

"Like, oh my God," the first girl squealed. "Seto Kaiba is, like so hot. The only reason he's mean to everyone, is because he secretly loves me."

"As if," the second girl countered. "Bakura and Yami are way hotter. They'd fight over me because I was their love in my past life."

"Whatever," the third girl said. "Mai is so the hottest. I'd like to stick her with er…." The girl stopped upon noticing the odd looks from the other two girls. "I mean…I like men."

Suddenly the TV began to malfunction, shaking violently as sparks spat out the back of it.

"Quick, let's approach it!" One the girls suggested brightly.

"Good idea!

"God, we're smart!"

As they did, a brilliant flash of white light suddenly engulfed them, somehow pulling them inside the actual TV. How is that possible, you ask?

…

Fucked if I know.

* * *

"Who the fuck are you guys!?" Bakura exclaimed as three girls suddenly materialised before Seto, Yami, and himself.

"We are not guys," one of them replied as they all got to their feet. "We are incredibly hot chicks, and somehow we have defied the laws of physics, existence and just plain common sense, to become a part of an animated, fictional world."

And now it's time for everyone's favourite part. The excessive and belligerently long descriptions that nobody cares about or even really bothers to read.

Seriously people, just a few basic and well written details will suffice.

The first girl was tall and slim, with gorgeous facial features and long red hair that fell in shimmering soft curls onto her shoulders and glistened like pure spring water under the golden rays of the sun.

"You are shitting me," Seto breathed, as the descriptions continued endlessly. Bakura and Yami just stared in horror.

Her stunning amber eyes, that swirled with such emotion, such depth, such soul, hid her dark and mysterious past…that will no doubt be revealed in later chapters..

Eight weeks later…

-and thus concludes what the incredibly hot, super attractive and awesomely cool chicks looked like.

"There is no God," Seto muttered darkly.

Finely free, Yami and Bakura took the opportunity to run.

"Wait!" One of them called. "You can't leave. For we have the secret, eighth millennium item!"

"Really?" Yami asked. His interest piqued, he stopped and turned back around.

Reaching into her purse, one the girls pulled out a thin, golden object and held it up to the trio.

"I give you the eighth, and most powerful millennium item: the Millennium Tampon!"

Bakura, Seto and Yami just stared the object blankly in a stunned, somewhat horrified silence.

"…that's just not right," Bakura said.

"Oh who cares?" The girl exclaimed, tossing the useless item away. "We want your babies!"

Without warning, all three fan girls attacked, pulling them down and tearing off their clothes in attempted rape.

"Noooo!" Bakura cried.

"Noooo!" Seto cried

"Wheeee!" When room's other five occupants all stopped and stared at him, Yami quickly corrected himself. "I mean…nooooo!"

However, before the rape could progress any further or get anymore graphic (real and animated people sex….ewww!), the door was suddenly kicked down.

Anzu to the rescue!

Seeing the guys were about to be defiled by non-fictional people, Anzu gasped in horror, before pulling up her top and flashing all three girls.

"Ah! Our virgin eyes!" All three girls screamed before spontaneously combusting.

…convenient.

"Few that was close," Bakura muttered, the others nodding in agreement. "And for once it was the Mary-Sues being bashed and not Anzu. It makes a nice change."

"Yeah…" Seto said awkwardly, plunging all four of them into an uncomfortable silence.

Yami gave a low whistle as they all looked around, waiting for something to happen; for the plot to advance.

"So…freaking shot in the dark here," Bakura began offhandedly. "You guys want to have an orgy?"

"Hell yeah!" The other three chorused.

* * *

Moving along to the Kame Game shop, home of Yugi Motou, we find a dark figure sneaking across rooftops. Their movements were silent, yet graceful, sharp and deadl-

"Wheeeeee!" Mai shouted gleefully as she bounded all across the roof in some warped attempt at ballet. There was dancing, jumping, frolicking…stealing someone's cable satellite.

However, upon finding the window into Yugi's room locked, Mai was forced to look for another way in. After all, for the sake of plot, there had to be one.

Oh, look down there on the sidewalk! A grate.

"Yay!"

Following the narrator's advice, Mai opened the grate and jumped down through the hole.

Whoops! I just remembered that the secret entrance is the grate further up. That one's just the sewer entrance.

"BASTARD!" Mai screamed, currently swimming in shit.

Hundreds of showers later, Mai used the _real _secret entrance and finally broke into the Kame Game Shop, finding herself to be in the kitchen.

"Hey Mai," Yugi greeted her as he dug through his fridge.

"Gasp! How did you know it was me?"

"Who else has boobs that big?"

"Awwww, thanks Yugi," she cooed. "They're 99.99 percent real."

Pulling out a can of drink, Yugi seated himself at the kitchen table. "So what are you doing breaking into my house at midnight, anyway? I mean, my grandfather never locks the door anyway. How do you think I get raped and attacked so much?"

Pulling a mock martial arts pose, including placing her own foot in her mouth, Mai explained. "By day I am Mai, a hooker who charges fifty dollars an hour, plus tip. However, by night, I am Japan's most deadly assassin-"

"No! Not…" Yugi gasped.

"Yes!" Mai shouted triumphantly. "I am the Drunken Monkey! And I have come to kill you, and take your Egyptian God Cards."

"Okay then. Carry on."

Rising from his seat, Yugi headed back towards his bedroom.

"You were dropped as a child weren't you?" Mai asked bluntly. It was now apparent that Yugi was not naive, just plain retarded.

"Correction! Drop kicked!" Yugi called back, disappearing from view.

With an indifferent shrug, Mai left the kitchen and headed into the game shop.

"Who are you!" Solomon exclaimed from behind the counter.

Thinking quickly, Mai began waving her arms about.

"I am a drug induced figment of your imagination, here to steal the Egyptian God Cards."

Remembering that fat one he had smoked earlier, Solomon merely nodded and continued to polish the glass cabinets.

Upon finding his safe, right next the conveniently placed neon sign, Mai was disappointed to see that, due to Solomon's incompetence, the safe had already been broken open..

"I lost all sixty-five of the keys," he explained nonchalantly.

"Aww," Mai whined. "I wanted to impress everyone with my mad skills by breaking into it."

And that's when Mai was struck with a brilliant idea…and a few tiles when part of the ceiling collapsed.

After a quick course in safe repair, Mai returned to the Kame Game shop and fixed the safe; restoring it to its former glory.

During that time, Solomon found porn.

There was much rejoicing.

However, upon finally opening the safe, Mai was startled as an alarm suddenly sounded.

_Alert! Alert!_

_Some hussy is stealing the Egyptian God Cards._

_T-Minus Thirty Minutes._

"WTF? You built a self destruct mechanism into your home/shop!" Mai exclaimed angrily.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Grandpa replied.

"Very well then. Let us drink to celebrate what a retard you are," Mai suggested, pulling a bottle out of nowhere.

"Hurray!"

Twenty-nine minutes and a lot of booze later…

"Hic...we should probably leave," Mai slurred.

"Probably," Grandpa replied before vomiting all over Mai.

BOOM!

The Kame Game Shop exploded in a mushroom shaped cloud, taking everyone inside with it.

As the dust finally settled, the sole survivor of the explosion, Yugi Motou, stood before the remains of his former home, mourning the loss of his grandfather.

"Nooooo!" Yugi cried in anguish. "My DVD player!"

* * *

Yuri: Poor Yugi. I'd be sad if I lost my DVD player…which is actually my Playstation. Anyway, thank you to everyone who reads, reviews and leaves ideas. You're all greatly appreciated.


	8. Chapter Eight

Yuri: Wow…can't believe it's been three years since I last updated. I don't think there is anything in the English language that can adequately describe that kind of laziness.

As a way of explanation, my home computer literally blew up two years ago. I got a laptop, but never got around to transferring all my files over…until just recently, when I got bored.

Anyway, I went back and revised every chapter. The spelling and grammar has vastly improved (I hope), and I edited and added some gags.

A huge thank you to all those who reviewed over the last three years and, without further ado, I give you the chapter three years in the making: Chapter Eight.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

The day following the death of Solomon Mouto, Yugi stood before the remains the Kame Game shop when Yami strolled into view, clothes askew, smoking a cigarette and looking satisfied in every way.

"Yugi, there you are!" He exclaimed, throwing his cigarette. "Me and the entire gang just had the best orgy. We all decided to get together and have sex, then laugh at you for missing out."

"That's nice, Yami," Yugi replied absentmindedly. "You haven't seen my grandfather have you? He hasn't been around lately, and usually he leaves convenient, yet vague notes whenever he leaves to Egypt, or the hospital…or Vegas."

"Yugi, your grandfather died."

"What?!" Yugi shouted incredulously.

"Yeah, he died yesterday in the game shop explosion, remember? It was the same day I bought you an ice-cream," Yami replied.

"Oh yeah," Yugi mumbled, fondly recalling said events. "That was a fun day."

Picking through the charred remains of his former home, it occurred to Yugi that he was now homeless.

"Don't suppose my grandfather left me any money?" He asked, turning to Yami.

"Yeah, but I blew it all on hookers," Yami replied. "…sorry."

"Oh well," Yugi sighed. "I was probably on the verge of being put in a foster home anyway. Child Welfare were investigating after Grandpa kept taking trips and leaving me, a minor, home by myself."

Just then, Jou walked onto the scene.

"Hi guys!" He called.

"Hey, Jou," Yugi called back. "Are you here to return all the Duel Monsters cards I lent you?"

"Nah, I sold them for crack," Jou replied. "Anyway, I'm just here to announce that I will spending the next week at Kaiba's mansion, seeing as we got paired together on school assignment in which we invade one another's privacy, tear down our psyches and generally the defile the sanctity of personal space."

"Is that kind of school project ethical?" Yami asked. "Or even legal for that matter?"

"Yeah, and apart from being richer for the experience, the project holds no educational value whatsoever," Yugi pointed out. "A week with Seto Kaiba, imagine what that will be like," he added as an afterthought.

Pausing for a moment, Jou tilted his head thoughtfully.

* * *

"So now that I've revealed to you my devastating past, thus explaining my lack of humanity, do you want to have sex?" Kaiba asked, sitting with Jou on the couch in his mansion.

Jou stared back at him with wide eyes.

"Oh God no," he replied in apparent disgust. "No, no, noooooooooo."

* * *

"Hmm, gross," Jou muttered, breaking from his daydream. "Anyway, it's not like the school can _force_ me to live at another student's house, right?"

BANG!

Suddenly, the teacher from chapter one appeared, wielding a sawn-off shotgun.

"You will complete this assignment, Mr Jounouichi!" She shouted angrily, making Jou cower in fear. "A lot of time and effort went into the careful planning of this assignment."

* * *

Three hours prior…

While smoking crack, the teacher pulled out her student roll and pointed to two random names.

"Seto Kaiba and Jounouchi Katsuya…" She read, writing the names down. "Alright, finished. We've got an assignment."

* * *

"If you complete the assignment, then I'll shoot you. If you survive that…then I'll just give you an F."

"Holy shit!" Jou exclaimed, running away with the teacher following and still taking shots at him.

"That was weird," Yugi muttered, watching Jou and the teacher disappeared into the distance.

"I'm sexually frustrated," Yami said offhandedly.

"Awesome…"

* * *

On the other side of town, Ryou was enjoying a copy of Hustler when Bakura walked in the front door.

"WTF?!" Ryou exclaimed, quickly removing his hand from his pants. "How the hell did you get out of prison?"

Bakura just shrugged.

"I don't know," he replied nonchalantly. "It was never really explained. Then again, my returning, as well as having a physical form, seldom is explained."

"And you think just because you're my darker half, that somehow gives you the right to live with me?"

"But Ryou," Bakura protested. "Haven't I been like a brother to you? Possessing your body and mind, beating you around a bit, and occasionally raping you."

"Oh, Bakura! I love you!" Ryou exclaimed dramatically, watching as Bakura's face lit up.

"Really?!"

"No! Get the fuck out of my house!" Ryou demanded, angrily pointing to the door.

"But-"

"Do you like hospital food or something? I said fuck off!"

Sulking, Bakura had no choice, but to comply. What with the multiple restraining orders and all. Standing on the street, alone and homeless, Bakura realised he needed to come up with a new plan.

Crossing his arms, Bakura fell into deep thought…

* * *

"Look at me I'm a vampire!" Bakura exclaimed, baring his fangs. "Jesus ain't got shit on me!"

Now joined by his fellow vampires, Seto and Yami, the trio leapt onto a nearby roof to watch their current prey…yeah, apparently gravity was having a day off.

"He's perfect," Yami said, watching an oblivious Yugi walk past below. "I'll make him mine, ruining his innocence and naivety, then proceed to spend the rest of the story pissing and moaning about what I've done."

"Good work," Bakura said, briefly watching his victim, Ryou, before turning to Seto, who was watching Jou. "Why are you here again? I thought you already had some action?"

"Yeah, but Child Welfare didn't take too kindly my incestuous relationship with Mokuba," Seto replied. "Now I only do underage boys who aren't related to me…my God, I really do have problems, don't I?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Bakura replied, Yami nodding his agreement.

* * *

Snapping from his daydream, Bakura grinned slyly to himself.

"Yeah, and all that stuff. Let's make that happen," he murmured to no one in particular.

As Bakura continued his train of thought, Malik came along.

"S'up homie," he greeted. "Trying to repent your evil ways again?"

"Nah, I gave up on that and made peace with the fact I'm evil, but sexy," Bakura replied. "My fan girl count increased tenfold."

"Good work."

"Yeah, now I just need a place to live," Bakura said offhandedly. "Perhaps I should ask the others how they earn money, what with a complete lack of parents and/or job. I mean seriously, when was the last time Kaiba went to work?"

"You could ask Anzu for help," Malik suggested. "She's always banging on about second chances."

"Nah, she's now secretly working as dancer/stripper in New York."

* * *

"Take it off! Take it off! Take if off!" Guys chanted, surrounding the stage and waving twenty dollar notes.

In one swift motion, Anzu ripped off her dress.

All: O.o

"…put it back! Put it back! Put it back!"

* * *

"I see," Malik said thoughtfully. "Where did you say she worked again?"

"Hooters," Bakura replied. "You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to join a band."

Five minutes later, Bakura had a number one hit record and multimillion dollar music contract.

Because let's face it. Bakura is smexy, and smexy sells.

* * *

Yuri: At last, Chapter Eight is completed. I feel like their should be a choir of angels singing alleluia or something. Yeah, so this chapter is not as smooth flowing as my previous, mostly because I was trying a looser, more random style, similar to Family Guy. Not sure if I'll continue with it though. Oh, and as always, I'd love to hear more of your ideas. They're a big help.


	9. Chapter Nine

Yuri: Hmm, another year another chapter. I'm shocking, I know, and I apologise. A few reviews showed up in my inbox recently prompting me to have another look at this story, and I ended up writing another chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

And thus we find our heroes once again fighting for the sake of the Earth in a children's card game.

...apparently you can do that now.

"Even after all this time, it seems you are still inferior to my power, Pharaoh!" Marik taunted, brandishing his Millennium rod as the shadow realm was summoned around him.

"Ha, you may be powerful, Marik," Yami scoffed, slowly getting to his feet as shards of cracked earth began to quiver and resonate around him. "But as always, the heart of the cards has afforded me an even greater power. The power to defeat you once and for all!"

Lightening tore through the darkened skies, the earth itself quaking as Yami summoned a power like none of them had even seen before. His hair changed, his eyes changed, his power increased tenfold.

"Suck it bitch!" Yami jeered, having transformed into a Super Saiyan for no adequately explained reason.

"Oh, you're good," Marik barked. "But I'm better!"

And then, Marik suddenly transformed in a Super Saiyan as well.

Standing on the sidelines, Yugi just blinked several times in utter confusion. Looking between Yami and Marik, Yugi couldn't help but wonder when all this had happened, and how he had missed it.

"Okay, is anyone else here a Super Saiyan?" He asked, addressing the crowd of bystanders that had gathered.

Like a Mexican wave, everyone, including Jou, Seto, Ryou, and Bakura raised their hands.

Yugi just stared in disbelief.

"...Oh, we are getting suuuuued."

* * *

For nearly two weeks now, Ryou had found himself experiencing the oddest range of symptoms and afflictions. He craved food one moment, only to be hurling it up the next. He was fatigued one day, and a horny, raging homosexual the next.

After using the internet to diagnose himself, Ryou had narrowed it down to hysterical pregnancy and...

"I have aids." Tom Hanks said in the movie Bakura was currently watching. Muting the sound, Bakura looked over the back of the couch at Ryou.

"What were you saying?"

"I have aids!" Ryou repeated. "Oh God, it all makes sense now. All that crazy, unprotected sex with men. All those times I got raped."

"...sucks to be you."

* * *

At Domino hospital, Ryou sat on a pristine white bed, feet dangling off the side impatiently as he waited with Bakura for the test results to arrive back.

The door opened shortly after, a doctor stepping inside with a chart dangling from his hand.

"Ryou Bakura, is it?" He asked before opening his chart and flicking through it. "I'm afraid you're going to die."

"WHAT?" Both boys exclaimed, jumping to their feet simultaneously.

"No...wait...live. You're going to live," the doctor corrected himself with a chuckle. "God, I always get those two mixed up."

Bakura fell back into his chair with an irritated sigh while Ryou nearly fainted on the bed.

"Let me guess," Bakura muttered darkly. "You weren't top of your class."

"I was actually part of a prison release program."

"Of course you were."

Clearing his throat, the doctor skimmed through Ryou's chart once more, looking between it and Ryou a few times.

"Okay, so you have hysterical pregnancy," he announced nonchalantly.

"I knew it!" Ryou shouted.

"Except, replace the word _hysterical_ with _actual_," the doctor added as an afterthought.

Ryou's face suddenly blanched, a slight hint of green ghosting across his cheeks as he fought the visceral reaction that followed.

"WTF?" Bakura exclaimed. "He can't be pregnant. He's British!...I mean a boy."

"What? That's a boy? Seriously?" The doctor looked Ryou up and down before referring to his chart. "Well I'll be damned."

"How is that even possible?" Ryou uttered.

"Surely you have received some sort of sex education?" The doctor queried, unable to believe a sixteen year boy knew so little about sex.

"You'd think so, but no. Between children's card games, evil spirits trying to take over the world and being British, none of us have ever really had the time for school."

"You expect me to believe there is entire group of adolescents out there, far too enthralled with a children's card game to make the beast with two backs? To get jiggy with it? To ride the sperm whale? To do the nasty? To find the _Kuriboh_? To grease the _Dark Magician's staff_? To do a human _Polymerisation?_"

"...okay, you're just making those up now," Bakura stated bluntly.

"But what about your parents?" The doctor pressed on.

"My Dad was never really around so he just gave me a few copies of Hustler and the code to disable the V chip in our television. During the ninth grade I watched soooooooooooo much porn."

"Look," Bakura suddenly interjected. "Who really cares about scientific reasoning and basic human biology? He's pregnant because I'm Egyptian. It's what we do. Mystery solved, moving on. What do we do about the fact he's having a baby?"

Reviewing the chart in his hand, the doctor made a few humming noises before hanging the chart back on the bed, and addressing both boys directly.

"It's okay, because I've just finished reading the Twilight books, and I think I got the gist of it. So I reckon you can have this baby and still live," the doctor informed them, much to the horror of both Ryou and Bakura.

"WTF?" Ryou shouted indignantly "You're giving me medical advice based on what you read in a series of books that were riddled with plot holes and inconsistencies?"

"You actually read the books?" Bakura exclaimed. "Why? They're awful, just awful."

"Bakura!"

"...I mean, whatever Ryou said!" Bakura quickly corrected himself. "...sparkling vampires, it just doesn't make any sense. I'd make a better vampire, as I proved in the last chapter. I really need to look into that."

The doctor explained to them the physically impossible process of a male pregnancy that defied all scientific explanation and would never be adequately explained, before giving them a moment to take it all in.

As the shock of it all was just starting fade, the door was suddenly thrown open to reveal...

"Holy shit, it's Barney the Dinosaur!" Bakura exclaimed.

"What? No, I'm Mary Sue!" The girl retorted with great offence. "And I'm here to reveal that I am pregnant with your child, Bakura."

_Audience gasp_

_Insert dramatic soap opera plot twist music here_

"The fuck?" Bakura replied, absolutely dumbfounded. "You're going to have run that by me again."

"I'm having your baby," Mary Sue repeated.

"No, that part I got," Bakura started slowly. "I'm just a little confused as to how you got pregnant, seeing as how babies require sex, and I, nor anyone else, would touch you even if we were wearing full body hazmat suits."

"And yet getting a sixteen year old boy pregnant through some ancient Egyptian curse seems perfectly normal to you?" Mary Sue shot back.

"...touché."

"Bakura, how could you!" Ryou shouted in tears. "And with her?"

Bakura just stared at his other half in utter disbelief.

"Really?" He asked incredulously. "You really think I would stick my **beep **into that mess? And that'd we'd **beep **while she **beeped **and I **beeped **on her lubed up **beep **with a wet **beep beep **and then the parrot would **beep **and I'd be all like **beeeeeeeeeeep **and then she'd **beep **in the parking lot with the **beep beep beep **while the priest **beeped beep **and I'd **beep **the **beep **beach ball **beep **motor oil **beeped **the lamp post **beep **and finally we'd finish with **beeped beep beep beeeeeep beep** sledgehammer on a watermelon?"

The room's other occupants just stared at Bakura, stunned.

"Young man," the doctor began carefully. "I'm not entirely sure you understand the mechanics of sex...or, at least not healthy sex."

"Neither does anyone else on this site, but that doesn't stop them from writing about it."

"Oh, this is all too much!" Ryou cried dramatically, tears springing to his eyes. "All this stress, I'm think I'm going into early labour!"

"You're six weeks pregnant, genius," Bakura pointed out bluntly. "If you gave birth now they'd be no way of knowing which one was the baby and which was the afterbirth."

"...shut up."

"Oh, Miss Mary Sue?" A petite, young nurse called, sticking her head in the door. "We got your test results back," she continued, before stepping inside and handing the doctor Mary Sue's chart. "Turns out you're not pregnant. You're just fat...really, really fat. Just a big, old, worthless, sack of fat ass...that's you."

"Thank you!" Bakura sighed in exasperation, someone finally taking his side in the matter.

Devastated, Mary Sue ran off and...well, you don't care now, do you?

....

Yeah, didn't think so.

* * *

Yuri: And there you have it. Sex education, Yu-gi-oh style. Hope you all learned something.


End file.
